Grieve For The Man You Knew
by TheAngelofFate
Summary: Their mission to rescue Hera was victorious. They made it back to the Rebel base alive, but they were far from okay. For Ezra knew the pain of losing family, he felt it when he found out his parents died. But this was far beyond anything he imagined. For the loss of his Master was something that Ezra had always feared and now it had come true. (Spoilers for Jedi Night, please R&R)
1. Chapter 1

_*sighs*_ I honestly hoped I would never have to write this type of fic because I held on to the hope that he would make it out alive in someway but here we are. Here I am writing a fic about aftermath of the death of everyone's favorite Space Cowboy.

I don't have to do this, but I feel like I, in some silly way, owe it to Kanan to write this. And to get my own sad feelings out of the way, because sometimes writing for me can be therapeutic.

* * *

What happened at the fuel pod on Lothal wasn't the first time Ezra watched Kanan die. Oh no, the first time he watched his Master die, had been at the Jedi Temple. Where Kanan had tested him to see if he really could become a Jedi after his first brush with the Dark Side of the Force. He watched as the Grand Inquisitor stabbed Kanan in the chest and kicked him over the edge of a cavern, where he disappeared. Granted, that whole experience had been an illusion caused by the Temple itself, to play on his fears, that didn't mean it hurt any less to witness, in fact, a few hours later Ezra found himself crawling into Kanan's bed plagued with nightmares from that illusion.

So when Ezra watched as the explosion sent out a shock wave into the area, when he watched as the ball of fire and chaos shot out into the sky, even afterwards when he found himself in Zeb's arms or when he walked away from Ryder, Ezra couldn't help but deny it, because _no no,_ Kanan wouldn't leave him. Not after he promised him he wouldn't, not after all they had been through.

Not after Kanan knew that Ezra's greatest fear in the galaxy was losing his family, losing him.

 _"I wanted to thank you, for coming back."_

It had to be a trick.

 _"I'll always come back."_

Kanan must be testing him.

So then why did his heart feel like it was constricted? Why did he feel like he couldn't breathe when the image of Kanan's face flashed within his mind— when the glaze in his blind eyes evaporated Ezra saw Kanan look him in the eyes, _truly_ seeing him and Hera ever since Malachor, why did his throat close up when every time Ezra searched for Kanan's presence, reached out and tried to grab a hold of their bond that he found it gone, like it had been abruptly severed, right down the middle?

Why, when the second it had been cut had Ezra felt the _worst_ pain he ever experienced in his life, as if someone stabbed him through the chest with a blazing hot knife?

The only answer to all of this was that this wasn't an illusion, that Kanan wasn't merely testing him, but that his Master— his surrogate father was really and truly gone, that he left Ezra just as his parents had. And _damn_ if that didn't caused his heart to shatter all over again. Stripping away the layers of the black TIE fighter suite he had worn as a disguise to rescue Hera, Ezra found him leaning against the door of his room for support as he realization came crashing into him all at once, that he was never going to see Kanan again, was never again going to be able to look to his Master for comfort and guidance.

Because Kanan was dead.

" _No!_ " A gasp left his lips, finding it harder to breathe as he fell to his knees and sobbed. "No! Please—!" Ezra begged the Force, begged anyone in higher power who was possibly listening for it not to be so. This couldn't be it, Kanan couldn't just be gone. They needed Kanan, Hera needed Kanan, _he_ needed Kanan.

 _"You're a good listener, Ezra. It will serve you here and it will serve you again... in the future."_

 _ **Kanan...**_

 _Dad—_

Please, _**no**_.

 _"May the Force be with you."_

Those _can't_ be the last words you say to me—

Please, I _need_ them not to be...

 _"Sometimes I wonder if I have anything left to teach you."_

You knew, you **_knew_ **this was going to happen, didn't you, Kanan?

The image of Kanan's final moments, the image of him propelling the airship back with the Force, watching the flames consume his Master's body— _burning_ his skin, **incinerating** him from the inside out—

What was Kanan's final thoughts in that moment, had he feared his fate? When the fire engulfed him, had it hurt? Had it been quick and painless or had it been slow and agonizing?

The smell of his burnt flesh filled his nostrils along with the smoke from the flames and fuel from th pods. Bile rose up within Ezra's stomach, it traveled up into his throat and out through his mouth. He gagged on the foul taste, doubling over, _coughing_ , his hand clinching at his chest because everything hurt.

Physically, he wasn't injured, but his heart, his very soul— was broken.

 _Kanan, where are you?_ He pleaded silently, repeating the words he had used back on Reklam Station, reaching out to the Force to try yet again to grasp onto the bond he shared with Kanan. Thinking, foolishly. That Kanan would come to his aid just as he had done so many times before.

Among all the sadness and pain caused from his emotional breakdown, Ezra abruptly felt arms wrapped around him, and his heart ceased beating for a few seconds. Holding onto hope that his pleas for his father to come back had actually been answered. "K-Kanan?" He wheezed out, his voice raspy and barely audible. But his hopes were crushed all over again, just like with his parents when the voice that came along with the arms spoke.

"Aw, kid." Zeb's voice filled his ears, Ezra noticed that there was touch of understanding there and even a bit of his own sadness as well. "It's okay, I gotcha."

 _"It's okay, I got you!"_

A choked wail erupted from Ezra as he fiercely clung to Zeb, seeking comfort he knew Kanan would never be able to provide him ever again. He succumbed to his grief, just as Hera had seconds after Sabine flew the airship away from the explosion.

Because they may have succeeded in their mission, they may even succeed in taking down the Empire one day, but with the loss of their leader, loved one, brother and _father_ , and none of them will ever be okay ever again.

* * *

The death of Kanan is something I know none of us will ever get over because in some of our eyes Kanan was just the best character in Rebels, and his death hit us all hard with how emotional and beautiful it was.

I know that I will never be over his death, just like I am not over Sirius Black dying in Harry Potter. I know it's _silly_ to be so upset over the death of fictional characters but to be honest every time this happens I personally feel like I lost a close friend. And the way Kanan died had me hoping that it was quick and painless.

Because I don't care how fast he selflessly accepted his fate to save his family, anyone in that situation, despite doing so out of the pure goodness of their entire heart, like Kanan just did, must feel some type of fear, even if it's just a small amount. And to sit here and think that as he regained his sight back and in his final moments with seeing Ezra and Hera, his family, to think that there was still a tiny amount of fear there, is hard to swallow.

Also Kanan getting his eyesight back _**destroyed**_ me, you guys don't even _know_! Screw off Filoni, when I said I wanted Kanan to get his vision in the season 2 final this _isn't_ what I meant! RIP, Kanan Jarrus. You will be missed, may you know peace and happiness with Master Billaba. And may you come back as a Force Ghost in later episodes, even if it's like for a second because I'm _**not** _ready to let you or Freddie go just yet.

Anyway, a penny for your thoughts? Please leave them in a review and I'll see you all soon.


	2. And Rejoice When He Returns

So if you all can't tell I'm never going to be over Kanan's death, it just hit me so damn hard I feel like i lost a close friend. And the entire episode of "World Between Worlds" didn't fucking help my emotional state when it came to Kanan and his relationship with Ezra.

Like, why don't you just stab me in the heart, Filoni that would have hurt less, then the fucking end of that episode. So like before I decided to write down my emotions and sadness, because lord knows we all could use some happiness amongst all our Kanan Jarrus grief.

* * *

Saving Ahsoka had been on pure instinct, he saw that she was in trouble, saw her unavoidable death at the hands of Vader as she struck the ground with her lighsabers and the entire floor cracked and fell away. And Ezra just _**acted**_ , not really thinking, because that was just _him_ sometimes, wasn't it? Acting without using his head, but sometimes that turned out to be a good thing, because it resulted in helping someone he considered a friend. Because something he wasn't able to do last time, was avoided because of his thoughtless actions. And he _**saved**_ her, without really knowing if it actually would work. He saved her and she was now here, with Ezra in this strange place filled with stars and voices he didn't recognize, where before, six months ago, she hadn't been.

That realization got him thinking. As he and Ahsoka started talking about Kanan and that Loth Wolf named Dume. A thought popped into his head. That maybe— just _maybe_. Ezra's heart was racing, it pounded _hard_ in his chest with equal amounts of over-endurance and hopefulness as he ran down the black pathway, his footsteps echoing as the stars beneath his feet rippled and faded away as the seventeen year old followed Kanan's voice. Because if there was a possibility, the _slightest_ chance that his Master could be saved, could still be here to guide and comfort him whenever Ezra needed, then he was going to take that chance.

Because he did need Kanan, he _always_ would.

 _"Wanna ride?"_

He could do it

 _"Battles leave scars, some you can't see."_

Because Kanan wasn't just his master, wasn't just someone that taught him how to fight, how to be a Jedi.

 _"Because I have nothing left to fear."_

Going on without Kanan, even the mere thought of it, it was hard for Ezra to breathe every single time.

As he ran, listening to Kanan's voice, Ahsoka started talking to him, "Ezra! _Think_ about what you're doing."

But he _knew_ what he was doing, saving Kanan, right now was all that mattered. "I know what I'm doing! _**Here**_ in this place, I can change things." He informed her as he slowed to a walk and turned his head towards her. "I can stop Kanan from dying."

"You don't know that!"

And she did? Two minutes ago she was fighting Vader on Malachor, she had no idea what he was going through. What Hera was going through, what his entire family was going through at the loss of their leader. "Yes. I. Do! If I can change _your_ fate, I can change _**his**_!" Then a noise sounded out, the door behind him had started glowing just like before when he witness the battle with Vader and Ahsoka.

Ezra watched as the blackness morphed and changed, various disjointed sounds of enemy fire hitting metal, an explosion, seemed to vibrate the portal itself. And then it showed it. The very scene he witness a mere two days ago. Kanan holding back the explosion caused by Governor Pryce. At first, all Ezra could do was stare, because this scene was framed in a different angle, this was a closer view as Kanan held the flames back, framed to where Ezra was on outside looking in. The hurt set in his heart once again, the shock was now replaced with determination.

"I can reach him." He announced to Ahsoka as he watched as Kanan held Hera back from reaching him.

 _Hang on, Kanan_

"Ezra..." Ahsoka's voice seemed to hesitate, as though she was trying to find the right words to say to him. "Kanan gave his life so that you could live. If he's taken out of this moment... You all die."

A lump grew appeared in his throat at her words.

 _No_

No, this couldn't be it

He had to save him, he had to save—

"You don't understand what you're asking me to do!" Because she didn't know. And Ezra couldn't believe that she was even suggesting that he just... _do nothing_. Just simply stand by and watch as Kanan dies all over again, when there was something he could do to stop it, when he actually _had_ the power to change fates.

"Yes. I do. You _can't_ save your Master. And I can't save mine."

 _But Kanan—_

He's right there, just a few inches away.

 _Please..._

Was more then just his Master— Kanan was his father in every sense, in every fiber of both their being except blood.

Ezra looked on as the scene was reaching it's close. "I'm asking you, to _let go_."

 _"Go ahead, let go."_

Oh, how his heart ached, how it _shattered_ because none of this was fair. Why couldn't he protect the people that he loved?

His parents

 _"When I lost my Master, I was alone. Regardless of how this turns out, I didn't want you to be."_

Kanan

 _"I thought I lost you."_

He remembered how he felt mere hours after Kanan died, he remembered going to his room, he remembered having the worst break down he's ever had since the death of his parents. Remembered how his soul shattered into pieces, how he gagged when the smell of Kanan's burnt flesh filled his nostils and left him emptying the contents of his stomach on the floor, his heart _physically_ hurting.

Hadn't he already lost enough family?

 _"I'll always come back."_

 _You promised me, Kanan. That you would always come back. That you would never leave me, well I'm holding you to that. This time, I'll save you._ Because the answer was, of course, yes. This may be selfish in the eyes of Ahsoka, and in the eyes of the entire cosmic Force itself, but the galaxy be damned, the Force be damned. He _wasn't_ going to stand and watch.

He had lost enough already.

Reaching out his hand, Ezra waited.

"Ezra..." Ahsoka began as she probably sensed his plan. "Ezra, don't!" But Ezra wasn't listening to her. If he could time it just _right_ , if he could watch until the right moment, right when Kanan Force-Pushes the airship flying away, then—

There!

Lunging forward, Ezra reached his hand, reaching through the portal he knew he only had a split second of opportunity, he knew he had about two or three seconds before those flames consumed Kanan like they had last time, he also knew that this might not work and that they both may walk away with burns but he stretched his arms out anyway, completely determined to see this through to the end and grasped Kanan's upper arm, Ezra tried not to cry when he realized just how solid and real everything felt in this moment. He didn't even mind when the flames from the explosion scorched his hands, he couldn't even feel the flames licked his fingers, leaving third degree burns.

This was Kanan, this was his Master and his father, this was real. Using all of his strength, Ezra pulled him through, just as he had done Ahsoka. They both landed on the pathway with a loud thud as it echoed throughout the area of doorways to the past. Dazed, Ezra tried to shake away dizziness that left his mind in a thick fog and made his vision blacken.

But then a groan sounded out, one that wasn't his own. His heart skipped a beat in realization, eyes snapping open, he jerked up and stumbled to his knees and his eyes immediately fell on—

Kanan

There he was, right there laying on the transparent ground in front of him. Happiness flooded Ezra's heart, his lower lip trembling. "K-Kanan..."

Shaking his head, obviously still in his own dazed confusion, Kanan look up. His eyes widened upon seeing him. "Ezra?" Kanan said his voice hoarse but still holding that gentleness that the younger had come to love and seek out whenever he needed it. And just like that, the metaphorical dam broke and everything that Ezra was feeling; all the pain, the sadness, the heart break, the relief— all came out in with that one words.

Causing Ezra to burst into tears.

His body curling in, Ezra _wailed_ , feeling as though he couldn't breathe.

In the chaos of his break down, Ezra felt arms wrap around his entire body, he felt them encase him in a bubble of _warmth_ and _affectionate_. With a jolt, Ezra felt their bond snap back to life and Ezra cried all the harder as Kanan's signature equally bundle him in a ball of _safety_ and _love_. And Ezra latched on to it, clung to it for dear life, like he was drowning in water and Kanan was the only thing keeping him from sinking and never being able to resurface. " _Kanan_!"

The warmth in those arms, the strength of their bond, tightened ever so slightly. "Hey, it's okay. I got you." Kanan whispered, his lips brushed up into Ezra's hair, in a chaste kiss. "I'm right here, kiddo. Just breathe, _breathe_." And just like he always did, Ezra did as he was told and tried to calm his breathing, Ezra felt Kanan pull away, cupping his cheek, and gently forced him to look up.

Ezra let out a gasp, "Kanan, your eyes." The milky white color that overlapped Kanan's teal eyes was no where to be seen. Just like they had been before he had died. It never registered with Ezra that upon saving Kanan, they would stay that way. "But how...?"

Kanan shook his head, "I don't know."

A whispering voices echoed faintly around them;

 _Clarity_

 _Clarity_

"Kanan." Ahsoka's voice brought them both back to reality as she stood in front of them, appearing to be conflicted between looking grim and happy to se such a beautiful reunion.

"Ahsoka?" Shock laced Kanan's voice as they both stood up. "But... how? You were—?"

"It seems your apprentice has changed both of our fates." Ahsoka gestured to Ezra and looked around. "Though I do hope none of it has any lasting consequences, but I am glad to see that you are alright."

Ezra bowed his head, trying not to feel ashamed, a hand fell onto his shoulder, steadying him, grounding him. "We'll worried about that later."

Another noise rang a crossed this space of time. "We can't stay here. You opened the door to this world, Ezra. Do you know how to close it?" Ahsoka inquired as they all started making their way down the pathway. Ezra shook his head, no he didn't. He simply just ran into the portal, he never thought how to get back out.

"Sabine, will know. Kanan and I can do it together." It was then that Ezra realized the sheer reality of this entire situation. Both Kanan and Ahsoka were back. Two people they all until recently they were lost and long dead to the cause of an explosion. The others are going to be so ecstatic to see them. "They'll be so happy to see both of you. Rex and Hera are—"

Ahsoka shook her head, "I can't go with you."

But before either of them could ask why, a coldness, washed over them, their veins turning to ice. "Perhaps, I can." A menacing voice spoke out from behind them all. Turning around, Ezra saw that it was the Emperor himself, sitting in a circle of blue fire.

Palpatine.

Ezra watched as Kanan and Ahsoka stood in front of him, taking protective stances. "Ezra Bridger and Ahsoka Tano... **_mine at last_**!"

"You're not getting either of them." Kanan growled, as he glared at the Emperor.

Palpatine merely laughed and proceeded to speak an incantation of some kind. "I don't like where this is going! RUN!" Kanan said loudly and the three of them started running.

And when strings of blue fire started chasing them, they ran even faster. Then something white hot wrapped around Ezra's ankle, He yelped in pain as he was dragged to the ground. "Kanan!" He yelled reaching his hand out for his Master as Palpatine started making his way through the portal.

"Ezra!" Kanan leaped forward and grabbed his hand and pulled, then Ahsoka ignited her sabers and sliced the string of fire that was wrapped taut around his leg. "C'mon!" His Master heaved Ezra up and they continued onward, the fire still chasing them.

Then two pathways appeared, they seemed to be going down different directions. It seemed the Force was trying to tell them something, telling them that they had to split up. "Keep going, you both can make it!" Ahsoka shouted to them.

Ezra nodded, feeling confident that they would meet up with her soon now that she was alive. "When you get back, come find us!"

"I _will_ , I promise!"

"We'll be on Lothal, Ahsoka!" Kanan announced as he grabbed Ezra by the hand and took the lead. Master and Padawan continued on their own, soon though the door that Ezra and entered through was just beyond a few feet, but the fire was closing in on them. In an instant, they both realized that they weren't going to make it. Suddenly, Kanan came to a complete stop. "Ezra, go!" Kanan ordered, as he held back the fire just as he had done back on the fuel pod back of Lothal.

Horror consumed Ezra's soul, _not again, please not again_! "No! Kanan, I won't lose you again!"

"You aren't losing me!" Kanan used his other arm to wrap Ezra in a one-armed hug. "I'll find my way back to you, to all of you, I promise!" But Ezra shook his head and clung to his master, no he wouldn't do this again, even with Kanan's words of reassurance, he couldn't do any of this again.

"Ezra, _go now_!"

"No!"

Abruptly, Ezra felt Kanan jerk away from him, pushing Ezra a few ways with his hand and then using the Force to push him to rest of the way towards the portal. "NO!" Ezra screamed, as he was flown backward, he reached out his hand. "KANAN!"

Kanan smiled was the last thing Ezra saw before he entered the portal.

The first thing that Ezra register was this exhaustion, like exerted everything he had but he couldn't remember why or how he did so. The second was this pain in his head, like something had been cut off, detached or closed off. Opening his eyes, also proved to only worsen his headache, moving to stand Ezra heard the distant whirls and beeps of Chopper announcing that he had awoken. "If this is what you and Kanan use to do on your Jedi missions, you can keep it." Zeb said to him as Ezra moved to sit up, still very confused on what exactly happened.

"Wait, what?" Rubbing the side of his head, Ezra tried his best to clear the fog within his mind, tried to remember. Breathing in, he focused. And seconds later was able to recall exactly why he felt so drained and sore. He remember closing the Lothal Temple, using the painting carved on the stone walls so that the Empire could never use it ever again. But then he remember what happened in the other world, how he was able to save both Ahsoka and ultimately, it lead to nothing but more heart break as he lost Kanan all over again. Still, though, he should tell them about it, they will most likely will be curious about where he had been. "Where's Hera?" He asked when he realized she was no where to be seen

"She's outside." Sabine answered, rather hesitantly. "Ezra, gotta see— what happened."

Confused more then he had been, Ezra made his way outside and saw a huge out patch of land that he didn't recognize. "Where are we?" He asked Hera as he stood next to her, looking out beyond the fog that seemed to glow thanks to the sun raising in the distance.

"The Temple." Hera answered, her face still looking at the ground, her hand clinching her shoulder.

"What? Where?" Ezra looked down and saw that the symbols on the ground, the circle that he and hera were standing on was the same one as before when he and Kanan and been here before. "I-I mean, how?"

"You tell me?"

Ezra swallowed the lump in his throat as he remember the very first time he had come here with Kanan, back when they bond had still been fresh, was still forming and growing stronger. "Kanan and I stood here, when we first came to the Temple years ago."

"He's gone now, isn't he?" Hera's voice held a touch of sadness. "I mean, really gone."

And Ezra felt his heart ache all over again. Because it hurt having to say this out loud, because doing so was basically finalizing that Kanan was really gone. "Yes." He told her as he and her stared off into the distance, taking in the fact that while the Temple was no more, the land still looked peaceful. He informed Hera that he knew what they had to do, that despite the pain he was feeling— that they were both feeling, he knew that everything after this was set in stone. And he was ready for it, whatever that maybe.

Hera gave him a smile and wrapped her arm around his shoulders and together they walked back to the carrier and made their way back home, back to their base where Ryder was probably in a frenzy wondering where they all were. And sure enough, when they arrived three hours later, they distantly heard chattering from both Ryder and other members of their group.

"Finally! You're back!" Ryder stated as he walked towards them. "For a moment there I thought that I was gonna have to send a search party to find you all."

"Sorry, Ryder. Won't happen again." Ezra told the man, giving him amused smile.

Ryder clapped him on the back, chuckling. "That's good to hear. Now I've never been good at transitioning a conversation, but there is someone here to see you."

Furrowing his eyebrows, Ezra gave him a baffled look. "What are you talking about? Who?"

Ryder smiled, "See for yourself." Gesturing forward beyond him, Ezra looked looked beyond his fellow Rebels.

His heart ceased in his throat when he witness— When he saw Kanan sitting down, being treated by one of their medical trainees for the various burns along his back and arms. A choked cry erupted from Ezra's throat as he ran forward. "Kanan!"

Looking up, Kanan's face broke into a smile of relief, as he brushed off the medical treatment and stood up. "Ezra!" And he all but leaped the rest of the way into Kanan's waiting and openly inviting arms, Ezra legs gave out then at the sudden exertion and he felt Kanan lower the both of them onto his knees. Not once breaking contact, which Ezra was grateful for because he frantically clung to his Master— to his father. Trying his hardest to mind the burns on his back, but also not able to let go of his own desperation.

"Kanan!" Ezra found himself babbling, unable to make out anything coherent except his Master's name, as he buried his face into Kanan's bare chest and cried. " _Kanan, Kanan, Kanan_!"

Those safe and warm arms tightened around him, and held him close. "Shhh, it's alright, Ezra. I'm right here." Ezra felt that Kanan was also shaking, like he was crying too. "I'm so sorry the pain I caused you, that I caused all of you." But Ezra didn't want to hear any apologies, all his wanted was his father, his Master. Shaking his head, he continued to cling to Kanan and cry out his emotions of sadness and joy.

"How?" He asked curiously, when his sobs turned into silent tears moments later.

"Those portals in the world you pulled me in, I jumped through one and I ended up here." Kanan answered as he continued to rub small circles on his back.

"Kanan..." A voice whispered behind them. Causing them both to look up and around. Their eyes fell upon Hera, who eyes were glimmering with tears, some of which had already fallen down her face, her expression was that of equal parts overjoyed and anger.

"Hera." Kanan smiled unlocked on of his arms from around Ezra and held out his hand for her to take. She hesitated for a moment, then when she place her hand in his Kanan yanked her forward and into their shared embrace, his lips connecting with hers immediately. "I love you." He murmured to her, "I've always been in love with you, Hera."

"M-Me too. I love you too, I'm so sorry." She confessed as he buried her face in his neck and sobbed along with Ezra. And through their grief and happiness, Kanan held them tightly, allowing their feelings to come and go through the Force. Wrapping them both up in a warm blanket of love and affection. Then Kanan felt Ezra brush up against his mind, it was hesitate and cautious. And Kanan allowed him in without a second thought.

 _I missed you so much, Kanan._ Ezra's question echoed through their bond. _I know why you sent me to the temple, but I **couldn't** let you go, not **you** , I'm sorry._

 _Even though I was ready to die, Ezra. I can't help but be grateful._ Kanan stated as he continued to comfort and console the two most important people in his life. _Thank you, son. For saving my life, I love you so much._

With their bond and through their physical contact, Kanan felt Ezra shaking with emotion once again. _I love you too, dad. Thank you for coming back._

 _I'll always come back, kiddo. I promise._

* * *

holy dang this was a tough one for me to right. I don't think it's my best work I've ever done but, meh. I enjoyed writing it nonetheless. This was simply just something I wrote because the idea of Ezra actually going through with saving Kanan peaked my interest and my own desire to see Kanan alive again. So I guess I also wrote this as a coping mechanism

Anywoo, a penny for your thoughts? Please leave them in a review and I'll see you all soon!


End file.
